Goodness had Nothing to do with it, My Dears

Goodness had Nothing to do with it, My Dears

Goodness had Nothing to do with it, My Dears

A story based on several quotes made by the incomparable Mae West

“There are no good girls gone wrong – just bad girls found out”

Lucy and Cade, a pair of giggling, exceptionally well-dressed, wealthy parent young ladies, are taking a night stroll through some gardens located outside a large party venue.

They spy a long blonde-haired figure milling about up in the gardens ahead. Resplendently wearing a long ghostly white satin gown, real diamonds sparkling with amazing brilliance down along her full figure.

Feeling by the way she is dressed that she is one of their fellow party guests, the pair approached.


Mae, sultrily taking a puff from her long thin cigarette, greets the two girls.
“Hello ladies, out for a stroll also?”

“Yes we are, lovely party isn’t it, and the grounds outside are very peaceful.”

Reaching out her hand.
“My name is Lucy and this is my friend Cade.”

Mae takes up the girl’s hands in turn
“Very nice to meet you both. My name is Mae.”

Mae adds, whilst looking both young ladies up and down.
“If I may say, my the pair of you look just sumptuous. Those dresses you both wearing are very lovely, satin aren’t they? Absolutely Adorable.“

Both girls twitter

“Thank you, Mae, we had a devil of a time picking and deciding what to wear this evening. Yours is very beautiful too. Is it a Doir like ours?”

Mae, lifting her gowns white skirt
“This old thing? I’m afraid you never heard of this designer. Arsene, I believed he was French. But Thank you for your compliments. You two are just the sweetest dolls .”

Cade and Lucy both blush, then begin to tell Mae how much fun they were having that evening.

Mae, after a few minutes of listening to the chattering girls, cuts in.
“Cade, Did I overhear you say your boyfriends are here with you two? I would love to be introduced. “

“Sorry Mae, I said they are not with us, they both had other plans. Lucy and I had to come alone to the party.”

“Our parents don’t know we came without chaperones, otherwise they would not have wanted us to come out here on our own.”

Mae reassuringly
“No chaperones? Well, your secret is safe with me, have no fear of that. But why wouldn’t your parents have allowed you two to come alone my dears ?”

Cade giggles as she makes her dress swish.
“You know what parents are like. Afraid to let me go out alone dressed like I am, weren’t they now? Claim it attracts the wrong sort. But I’m not alone, Lucy is with me. And who really would care that I’m dressed like this?”

“Good point Cade, I would have no idea who the ‘wrong sort’ are, nor why they would care how you are dressed this evening.”

Lucy, also giggling
“My parents were the same way also. Then, my Auntie, she said I shouldn’t ever go out alone wearing my evening jewels.

“Really Lucy? I wounded why your nosey Auntie would ever say such an odd thing?”

Lucy shrugs
“I asked her what she meant by it, couldn’t give me a reason. Silly bird. “

“I agree, it’s silly, jewels are made to be worn out. And I think it’s smashing that you two were daring enough not to listen to such frivolous advice and come out wearing them this fine evening.”

“Parents can be such killjoys. and I’m glad too that I didn’t give Auntie a listen this time about not dressing up. I feel so very pretty.”

Cade shakes her pretty head in agreement.

“And you both are delightfully pretty this evening.”

Mae continued on
“Rather Sounds like you two have been having a brilliant time. I could show you around, but I would imagine your parents have also warned you about meeting up with strangers at parties.”

Cade sweetly
“They did, but your not a stranger. Your very sweet.”

Lucy chimes in
“No Mae, your not what they meant atoll to be wary of. We’re sure.”

“My goodness, such dears. I really must give you both hugs for being so sweet.

Both girls gladly enveloped Mae in tight, all-encompassing hugs.

“Thank you. Never really sure why strangers are given a bad rap. You two are also strangers to me, and I have no worries.”

“Well said. We’re friends then. That’s decided. “

Lucy smiles at Cade. Brushing a rose petal off from her friend’s dress.

Mae, watching them
“Cade, your adorable frock is smashing. May I?”

Cade blushes, nodding her head.

Mae, caressingly stroking down along the rich satiny material of Cade’s expensive dress
“I’ve just come from the swan pond. They have the most downy soft wee ones, probably as soft and adorable as your shiny frock Cade. Would you like to see it?”

“Really, little baby swans? I would love to go and see them. What you say, Lucy?”

Lucy shakes her head, yes, magnificent diamond earrings glittering up and down their long length.

Mae smiling turns her head towards the dark woods.
“It’s not far. Come along you two, this will be fun!”

With youthful innocence, they both fall in step alongside Mae, who leads them down a winding path through the woods.

In their heels, progress is slow for Cade and Lucy. Mae is having no problems with her flat slipper-like shoes. After ten minutes of walking pass by…

“Ah, here we are, just up and around this bend. “

“Ooh can’t wait. This will be so such a lark.”

Lucy nods,
“Being out here in the woods away from everyone, this is so exciting. I could just imagine a highwayman or something is lurking about within them.”

Mae looks at the pair of party girls
“Lucy, you have quite the imagination, but I doubt there’s been a highwayman in the area for several hundred years. But let’s hush now, must be quiet. And yes this is quite exciting for me also. Very pleased to be out here alone with you two as company.”

Cade, stopping and looking around, possibly now a bit worried…
“I feel very safe out here with you Mae.”

Mae, patting both girls and squeezing their shoulders.
“Let’s get on with it then, my pretty ones.”

They turn the corner, reaching a disappointingly sinister-looking small black water pond, surrounded by deep woods.

Lucy, fingering the diamonds glittering along her gown’s shiny top
“Where are the baby swans?”

Mae puts out her cigarette on a tree.
Give it time my dears. Lucy, your earrings are amazing, may I?”

Lucy, holding back her hair as Mae runs them through her fingers.
“Thank you, Mae. Can’t believe my Auntie really tried not to let me wear diamonds out this evening. They make me feel like a princess. “

“And so you do look like one. I’m so glad you didn’t fall for your Aunties foolishness. Your earrings are just too gorgeous.”

Mae, turning to Cade
And you also Cade, your jewels are just the most delicious things. May I have a closer peek at those absolutely adorable rings you have on?

Cade, turning away from her vigil over the dark waters of the pond, obediently holds out her hand with its ring-encrusted fingers.

Mae looks them carefully over, taking in Cade’s flashy diamond bracelet as well.
“Cade, these are just brilliant, thank you for allowing me to look at them up close. You’re a perfect dream wearing these.”

Cade, blushing, placing the same hand on her shimmery necklace dripping down from along her throat
“Your welcome Mae, I feel like I’m in a dream wearing them. But for goodness sakes, what beautiful diamonds you have on, simply the cat’s pajamas.”

Mae, smiling like the cat who got the canaries.
“Actually Cade, goodness had nothing at all to do with it !”

Lucy giggles nervously as she feels a chill for some unknown reason.
“Mae, that’s funny, whatever do you mean by ‘goodness had nothing to do with it ?”

“That’s a good question, Lucy. Would you and Cade like to hear a story I have that may explain?

Both Cade and Lucy nod their heads, as their diamonds flicker with amazing brilliance in the small moonlit glen.

Mae begins her “Goodness” tale
“Well, there was once a snooty young mother who had come from a wealthy family. She loved to dress up in fancy clothes and jewels. She had her snotty young daughters dress up in the same manner. And unlike your parents Lucy and Cade, she saw no reason that they should not be allowed out exploring alone when dressed up, even when wearing good jewellery.”

Mae pauses as Cade and Lucy shake their heads in agreement. Their desirable jewels twinkling out.

Mae continued
“And the husband and father being a member of parliament, the 3 of them were out on their own, a lot.
On the evening of my story, all three girls were attending an evening wedding reception at a venue much like this. The young mother was wearing a silk white blouse with a long shiny black skirt, her daughters, much like you two, were clad in satin evening dresses. All three were wearing real pearl jewellery. The daughters were also wearing diamond hairpieces their mum had put in, taking them from her own jewel case.
Later that evening, Ruby, the sulky youngest daughter (15) jealous that her Mum and older sister (17) are dancing, decided to go out alone to explore the gardens.
Now image a 15-year-old, formally dressed up, wearing real pearls and diamonds, outside walking alone? What would your Auntie say to that Lucy?”

Lucy and Cade both giggle.

“She would have her knickers up, that’s for sure. When I was 15, she once insisted I change out of a silk blouse and remove my pearl necklace and ear studs before allowing me to go out to the theatre with my chums.”

Mae, chuckling
“That’s bollocks.”

Cade giggling
“ I remember her doing that, it was after your birthday party. She even tried to get me not to wear my rings as I went with you. She would have handcuffed Ruby to keep her from leaving I bet.”

“Well, actually the odds are in one’s favor that nothing would normally have happened to Ruby. Especially as she was exploring the gardens alone, or so Ruby thought.
But then, from behind the wooded side of a hedge, she hears an odd noise, like someone is whispering for her from behind the hedge. Ruby goes around to the other side. A lady is sitting on the workman’s wood bench, staring into the woods. She dressed like she would have attended the same party as Ruby. A black velvet dress and shimmery diamonds.
The lady jumps as Ruby approached.
“My you startled me, thought I was alone with my thoughts out here. Well now, you are a pretty one. That’s a lovely red gown you have on, it almost looks like real satin.

“It is real mum, my mother had it specially made for me.”

Lady on bench
“Hmmm, she said. Aren’t you rather young to be dressed in a real gown? I don’t know if I believe you. I suppose you’ll be telling me next your lovely pearls are real?”

“But they are mum, mother said they were !”

Lady on bench, chuckling
“Shouldn’t be fibbing child. Next, you’ll be telling me your hairpiece is made of real diamonds.

Ruby, under duress, kicks a stone.
“Of course they are, came from mother’s case now, didn’t it?”

Lady on bench
“Listen to your stories child, and be careful of ruining those glittering red shoes you are wearing. Now come closer so I can have a good look at your supposedly real satin gown .”
And Ruby defiantly approached the lady to show her how wrong she was.

Mae paused and looked over at Cade and Lucy.

Both girls asked in unison…”What happened?”

Mae smiled as if she had a secret.
“Well, two hours later a pair of kitchen workers were sneaking a smoke and a beer back behind the garden hedges came upon a rather odd scene on the workman’s wood bench. A young girl, wearing only her red silk slip, was hog-tied to the bench. Gagged with her silk stockings.
Poor Ruby had not been alone in the gardens. A thief had been watching her, had set a trap to lure Ruby off the beaten path.”

Mae continues on with her story
“When Ruby walked up to the lady, her dress was touched and examined.”

“That is real satin, so that would mean you’re not lying about your pearls being real also ducks?”

Ruby, sticking out her tongue
“Told you so, didn’t I now you twit. Mother always gives me the best!”

“Ruby, I once met someone dressed like you. She went out alone for a stroll and was mugged!”

“Who was she?”

Lady, producing a small silver pistol
“It was you. Now hold still while I remove your pearls.”

Ruby was then held up for her jewels, had her gown and shoes stripped off, was gagged and tied up to the bench. Then after one last too thorough search of Ruby’s figure, the lady thief lit a cigarette and calmly walked off through the woods.”

Cade and Lucy both shudder.

Mae sniffs and reached inside her purse fumbling for something.

“I wouldn’t have fallen for that. I’m too cautious.”

Cade sniffing also
“That’s a very sad story Mae. Where you perchance that young teen’s mother?”

“What? God no Cade. I was not that little girl’s mother. That only happened a few weeks ago.”

Mae pulls out of her purse a small silver double barrel derringer.

Both girls gasped, hands flew up to their gaping mouths.

Mae, looking at the pistol
“No my downy duckies. I was the thief. And that teenager’s clothes, shoes, pearls, and diamond hairpiece paid for some of the jewels I’m now wearing.
So you see my sweets goodness had nothing to do with my diamonds, it was wickedness that paid for them.”

Mae points the derringer at Cade and Lucy
“Now let’s see how high you pretties can raise up those hands!”

Mae steps closer, the business end of the derringer is poked into Lucy’s midriff.
Now, the pair of you bloody chippy twits will please start removing your jewellery and hand them ALL over to me!”

Lucy and Cade, shaking with wide-eyed disbelief, look at each other speechless, hands still up.

Mae, sighing deeply, points the derringer at Cade, speaking matronly to her.
“Cade, you first sweets. Lower your hands and let’s start with those rings. That’s it, my girl, gently pull them off, just lovely… now for the rest.”

Cade obediently does as directed, then with fumbling fingers, managed to fairly quickly remove her bracelet, necklace, earrings, and lastly the long fern leaf-shaped diamond hairpiece. Her silken reddish hair falls over her face covering one eye as it is being removed.

Mae looked into Cades one visibly, puppy sad eye…
“Cade this hairpiece is gorgeous. I may just keep it.”

Mae points the derringer at Lucy.
“Okay Lucy luv, your next.”

Lucy bulks at first, but the end of Mae’s derringer poking into her chest soon convinced her otherwise.

“Now Lucy, begin by handing over those gorgeous dangly earrings. No thief could certainly pass those up.”

Lucy reluctantly does so, slipping them off one by one and handing them over.

Mae, looking down at the earrings now in hand…
“I wanted these the moment I saw them. You have no idea how hard it was to wait.”

Mae looks back at Lucy
Ok ducks, I’ll have the rest.

Lucy obediently removed her diamond necklace, rings, and bracelets. Then steps back

Mae sneers, waving the derringer with her free hand.
“Oui Lucy. Forgetting something are we?”

Puzzled Lucy checked herself over, even feeling down along her satin dress. Cade does the same also. Both look back at Mae questioningly.

Mae laughing
“Just checking luvs. Thanks for the show, and thank you both for your lovely jewels. Oh, and by the way, in case you are wondering why I’m not bothering to take your purses? It’s because as we were hugging earlier, I picked them clean.!”

Mae, admiring the forlorn pair of girl’s glittering jewels piled up in her hand…
“Lucy, I used to do my best early work at theatres. Pearls do look so lovely with a silk blouse. Shame your Auntie is such a prude, this may have been the second time I met and robbed you. And Cade, I wouldn’t have passed on having your rings back then either. Now the pair of you, turn around and face the pond. “

Moving back, Mae commands them
“Now off with those glittery s shoes your wearing and toss them in the pond.”

As the pair of girls obediently do, Mae stuffs jewels and pistol in her purse. Then casually lights another cigarette as plops are heard coming from the pond.
“Goodness, that was too easy.”

Mae approached Cade and Lucy from behind.
“Raise those hands again, and don’t drop them until I say!”

Both girls feel their satin-clad figures being thoroughly, expertly patted down one-handed by Mae, who asks.
“Tell me something my two pretty ones. Do both your mums, and Lucy’s Auntie have jewellery this nice?”

Cade and Lucy unhappily both nod yes.

Mae, finishing up her last tempting feel of a pair of scintillatingly soft gowns, under the guise of searching for the girls’ possibly hidden valuables, asks before turning to leave…
“So why don’t you have them dress up in them to come over and see me sometime?”

The end

Play theme music

Roll credits

Credits rolling

Credits still rolling


Credits slowing down

€€€€€ The obligatory scene at the end of the credits €€€€€

“There are no good girls gone wrong – just bad girls found out”

Mae West

“The score never interested me, only the game.”

Mae West

As Mae walked away she heard some rather intense murmuring going on between Lucy and Cade.

She had just started up the small hill leading to the bend when Lucy calmly called out.

“Oh Mae? Did you really mean that about having my Auntie come over?”

Mae, curious, stops and turns around

“What are the two of you on about?”


“Well, it’s like this. You have quite a substantial haul with the jewels you’ve nicked from us. Plus almost £ 800 in our wallets. Now both Cade and I would have to report them as stolen. Worse yet, my Auntie would find out and be proven right. We would never hear the bloody end if it. So you’ve got what you wanted from us, but what if there is a better prize? Would you be willing to make a bargain?”

Lucy stops and looks at Mae. Mae nods her head and comes back a little closer.

“I’m all ears .”


“Well, it’s like this. My Auntie has always been a thorn in my bum. And I would love to see her receive some comeuppance, as opposed to Cade and I being on the receiving end.

So say I don’t report the robbery, my Auntie will not be put on her guard. There are several upcoming autumn balls she attends, and she will be wearing her best jewels. Which are 5 times more valuable than what you have taken from us… combined!”

Mae, as Lucy pauses.

“Sounds promising. It really does. But sorry, a bird in the hand you know. Of course, I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it, and a score never interested me, only the game.”

Lucy pleading

“Just hear us out then Mae. I know it’s a leap of faith. But you could almost retire off what Auntie would be wearing. And it would be a delicious revenge for us after what she had put us through all these years. I can almost taste it. Haven’t you ever wanted to do that to someone also ?”

Mae, Sighing with a nod

“Ok, I’ll give you 5 minutes. But remember, I also used to be Snow White like you pair, then I drifted.”

Lucy, speaking quickly

“ Ok, so my Auntie has outdoor, secluded hiding spots at several venues where she has the chauffeur hide a bottle. She has vices she thinks are her secret. At these ultra posh events, she sneaks off alone for a cigar and a nip several times during the evening. It’s always the same spots. We know cause Cade and I found them out and have been sneaking out for nips ourselves for years, never being caught.”

Lucy paused for a precious second.

“Now what I propose is that you can keep my valuable earrings you were drooling over, and the £ 800 as payment for my getting some revenge.”

“And keep my lovely hairpiece.” Cade chimes in


“But we would need the rest of our jewellery back to not arouse suspicion. You see, it has to work that way.

As you said, a bird in hand. But there is one in the bush whose a far easier, far more profitable catch to pluck.

For years I always daydreamed that it would serve her justice if a thief would come across her as she is out taking her drink. And it’s that secluded it can be done easily.

So please, neither of us can bear to think of her welding this robbery over us…”

Mae, with a wicked grin, shakes her purse.

“Lucy luv, you tell a good story, but…

Lucy cuts in with a final, desperate plea.

“Please Mae. I am not saying it will be easy, I’m only saying it should be worth it to you, in spades.

Just pretend that the only jewels Cade and I were wearing were my diamond earrings and Cade’s diamond hairpiece. That would still be a sweet little haul for you, far more than what you got from that snooty brat Ruby.

Don’t give us a final answer yet.

Here take my purse and think it over as you leave. We will wait here for 30 minutes.

Leave my purse underneath the water fountain where you first ran into us.

If it’s empty we’ll have our answer, swallow our pride, and be forced to make a full report to the police and insurance company. And face Aunties music.”

Lucy pauses

“But if our jewels are inside, less earrings and hairpiece. We say nothing to ANYone about what happened. You get away easy peasey. Then we’ll know your game for it.

There is a pub called the Poet and Peasant in Gl…. Go there several

Nights during the first week of September. I’ll find a way to get to you the time and detailed instructions of hiding places at each of the parties.”

Mae reached out and took Lucy’s shiny silk purse, saying to herself…

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

With that said, Mae turns and walks away, thinking…

“Those two dames did look gorgeous wearing all that sparkly ice over shiny satin. And, a dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up. That dame is likely to succeed.”

Mae walks up the hill, white satin gown swishing, then turns the corner as the scene fades to black.

Out of the darkness comes voices.

“Do you think she’ll buy into it?”

“I don’t know, but if she did we will not be wearing our diamonds all this fall”


“No, only nice silk blouses and sensible pearls…”


Please let me know in the comments below if the silk purse under the fountain will be full or empty

Thank you for reading

Posted by D’Gemwick – Princess of Peril on 2022-06-10 16:24:45

Tagged: , mae , west , groucho , marx , jewels , quotes , second , life , sl , mystery , story , tale , adventure , escapade , funny , wicked , actor , actress , movie , action , picture , show

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