first off, (and you’d better settle in, i’m feeling the urge to write a lot. A FUCKIN’ LOT.) there’s a story -two stories, rather, behind this particular 365. once upon a time, in a far off land called VIRB this delightful young lady met a stunningly fantastic sage of a woman named MOO. she was quite petrified of anyone discovering her true name/where she lived/ what she looked like even. right away, we fell in love. erm…..i wish. BAHAHAHA. she thought i was quite honestly mad and quite often called me a "freak" (yes, LADY, i still remember that. mwahahahaha.) but regardless of her facepalms, i dedicated THIS ugly, arsing photo to her. (yes, it’s ridiculous, BUT I WAS A CHILD, SO FUCK OFF. bahahahahahhahahaah. :D) that was when i do believe her heart started warming towards me.
fast-forward to today, in a not-so-distand land called FLICKR (after travelling through the perilous terrains of GMAIL and the ever cheerful, happy-go-lucky land of FACEBOOK) she is honestly a dear, dear mate of mine and i’d beat your arse if you say otherwise. BEAMS only…not really, i’d just..do something nasty and devious. HA. she’s requested to see that photo again, and i dug it up and WAS SHOCKED AT THE SIGHT OF IT’S ARSING FACE, so i had to make another one. (that’s her name, there, in my sutures. if you dinna see. :D)
which leads me to STORY NUMBER DEUX.
the same delightfully charming young lady as mentioned in the story above, also met a woman, that, at first, she wasn’t quite so sure about. well, scratch that, i thought she was one of the raddest people i’d ever met but i didn’t dare to speak to her, COS HER KEWLNEZZ WAS JST TOO KEWL. bahahahahhahahahahahaa. oh, shit. regardless, we didn’t speak much in that zenful land of VIRB……………………………………..
….actually, elle, i can’t for the life of me remember when we first started talking like mates. all i remember is me sending you a photo from my phone and saying "LET. US. MARRY." bahahahaha! and so we did! we’ve been happily wed for a while now, and it’s still blissful. 😀 but in all seriousness, elle, i consider you my sister, i tell you everything and VICE VERSA. also, citizens of FLICKR, let it be known that we’ve started a club, the most exclusive club in existence, with only two members (HA. "member." …..i’m sorry, that was inappropriate.) and we sit around on thrones all day, in crowns, smoking carton after carton, with our fierce eyes and family crests and tattoos and we both have sceptres. 😀
we’re going to be flatmates after this term at uni (HA. is it terrible, this is uni number two, and i’m going in, knowing i’m only going to stay a term, then drop it again? HARDY HAR HAR, ALIXI.) then when we’re all posh and wealthy we’re diving with le sharks. ://// but no beaches, because we both loathe them. we’ll more likely just go smashing around a rainforest island. HA! (she’s SEWING HER LIPS TOGETHER THIS WEEKEND, AND I AM MADLY JEALOUS, FUCKSAKE. so that’s where the sutures came from. :D)
i love you both, more than you can imagine. UH-LICKS-HE.
oh, and also mad props to paul, as he’s a fantastic, fantastic mate, and he directed me to the album i was listening to when i shot this – genesis p- orridge. (who is now my god.) so, danke shoen, very, very much paul. (:
(and YES, i’m still writing. bwahaha!)
one: my cat, darwin, (who is female – i name everything oddly. — windsor napoleon is my rat (female), spencer robert paulson is one of darwin’s offspring (female), oscar, my pig (also a female)..yea, i don’t like girl names. HA.) anyroad, darwin gave birth once, on my bed, when i still lived at home right on my hair. i was asleep, i always slept with my head resting on her tummy, and i knew she was preggers, but i had no fucking idea she was PREGNANT. :/ well, i was sleeping, ra ra ra, sleeping…sleeping…and i start to feel her move around and semi-wake me up, but i just dinna even open my eyes, i thought she was just being restless. WELL, DON’T YOU GODDAMN KNOW IT, this…………………..wet, i start to feel it all in my hair and on my face, and i thought she’s pissed on me! so i jumped up and finally opened my eyes, and there were four fucking kittens right where my face was. you have……………..no idea. NO IDEA, NO FUCKING CLUE how disgusted i was, I WAS COVERED IN BIRTHING FLUID AND BLOOD. AND IT WASN’T MINE! fucksaaaaake. :///////////////. but, that feeling of revolt quickly subsided as i saw that she was having a really, really hard time, and i was so incredibly worried about her. she had..i think, two more, and she’s fine now. oh, also. i had rescued her from outside; she was bones, bless her, and mum didn’t know. she actually told me that if i ever had an animal outside a caged one, she’d wallop, then kill it for coming in her house. (and i still don’t know if she was serious, she’s heavy against animals in the house. :S but i just think she was trying to scare me. …….it obviously dinna work, HA.) so i had to deal with a fucking exhausted cat and her …offspring all by myself. :S so, technically i can call myself a midwife now, HA. and that’s as close to a bloody pregnancy as i’m getting, i’ll never forget the terrible, terrible screams she made; i’ve never heard anything like them in my life, and fuck off, i’m never putting myself through that bollocks. (see, if i ever DID lose my wits and want to contribute to the extreme over population of the earth instead of adopting as i want to, i’d have a water birth, at home. that was actually michael and i’s plan, he’d convinced me to BE A HOUSEWIFE. for HIS FOUR KIDS that ALIXI was to be BIRTHING.
OUT MY VAGINA.
pffffft on that shite, love makes you a slobbering idiot, don’t ever jump in that pond.)
two: i very much am disgusted when men (or women, for that matter) call me baby, sweetie, honey, etc. but especially baby. BABY. GODDAMN BABY. do i look like a baby?! was i just birthed?! DID I JUST SLIDE OUT YOUR VAGINA?! no, i did not, so please refrain from referring to me as such. it’s JUST another way for women to be seen as small and weak, and HERE. I’M A MAN, I’LL PROTECT YOU. bollocks. pfft. i tell everyone who calls me such, "i’m not a blonde in a skirt, don’t say that." i do like "mylove", though, i say that instead. BECAUSE IT’S TRUE, AND NOT DEMEANING. so, if you ever seduce me, all you men and women out there, jot that down. (joke, obviously.)
three: sometimes when i’m very bored, i’ll pretend i’m an old man who deserted a war and is now living in thailand, right on the beach, drinking rum everyday and reading albert camus. (who is actually one of my favourite philosophers, if you’ve no arsing idea who he is, go find him, yea? read "the stranger", it’s quite powerful – one of my favourites of all time.) and i’ll go around to people, assuming this man’s personality, and rave about how i lost my leg. bahahahahhaahah. and that’s not even so bad; flea (best mate.) and i whenever first got back here, she’d speak in my accent (which is almost all gone now – poo, i’m sad. i speak like i’ve got a fork in my mouth, like everyone else here. BAHAHAHHAHA, only joking. :D:D:D), but then it got ridiculously exaggerated, like we’d just stepped out of poole or bournemouth, for fucksake!, bahaha! and we’d carry on huge, posh conversations it went on for, literally, a year. we answered exams like that, gave reports as if we’d just gotten off our polo ponies, and were on our way to our brand new mercedes. bahahahahhahaah. people thought we were bloody mad, but there you go. that’s my life, everyday. 😀
and the title for this 365: I ADORE THE POGUES.
that’s all i’ve been listening to all morning.
i’m irish at heart. 😀
oh, also: that blood and shite on my face is actually red lipstick and the "sutures" are mascara. I LIVE IN A FUCKING HOUSE OBSESSED WITH THEATRE, THERE ARE REGULARLY SEVERED HEADS ON MY KITCHEN TABLE, AND I COULD NOT FIND ANY FAKE BLOOD, ANYWHERE! nor a pen!! it was fucking madness! WHAT HOUSE DOESN’T HAVE A PEN ANYWHERE, EH?! let alone stage blood. pfft.
ALSOALSO: i tried to be witty and make the title a mix of all you three’s names, but it always came out looking like "anelul." so i thought it best not to. :DDDD
Tagged: , alixi , LOAD OF WAFFLE! , sutures , blood , blue eyes , black , bra , ramble , project 365 , dedication , sexy , goth , WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!